{"id":5147,"date":"2020-01-08T12:53:23","date_gmt":"2020-01-08T12:53:23","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.florisbooks.co.uk\/blog\/?p=5147"},"modified":"2020-01-08T12:53:26","modified_gmt":"2020-01-08T12:53:26","slug":"approaching-death-a-companions-guide-to-the-end-of-life","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.florisbooks.co.uk\/blog\/2020\/01\/08\/approaching-death-a-companions-guide-to-the-end-of-life\/","title":{"rendered":"Approaching Death: A Companion’s Guide to the End of Life"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
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In “Approaching Death<\/a>” experienced therapist and grief counsellor Ren\u00e9e Zeylmans offers spiritual insights, practical information and contemplations and meditations to support the companions of those on their dying journey. Here, we share an extract from the book.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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From Caregiver to Companion<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Being a\ncompanion of a dying person means that I feel the distress, suffering and joy\nof the other as if it were my own. Then a bridge is built within me that we can\nstand on together. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The ability to be a companion\ndoes not begin at the deathbed, but in daily life, and it has everything to do\nwith the way we interact with our fellow\nhuman beings. For how can we be a support for a dying person if we have not, at\nleast to some extent, acquired the approach of a companion in daily life? It is\nalso related to the way we ourselves handle crisis, grief and joy in life. For\ndoesn\u2019t every change, every crisis we go through, carry death and resurrection\nin itself? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Dying people find themselves in the greatest crisis of\ntheir life, a crisis that comes with confusing and violent emotions, and is\ngreater than they can probably put into words themselves. As a caregiver, you\nare deeply involved in this crisis. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

In such situations it is important that you have the\ncourage to practise self-reflection every time, for you inevitably also go\nthrough a process, no matter how experienced you are. If you don\u2019t want to do\nthis, or don\u2019t have the courage to face yourself, it is good to make that\nconscious, for it always influences your behaviour and actions in relation to\nthe dying. They hear in the sound of your voice whether you are willing to\ncarry them inwardly and are ready for the confrontation. What counts is that\nyou truly connect with them. This is not a path of the head, but one of the\nheart. \u2018Only with the heart can you see well,\u2019 said the fox in The Little Prince <\/em>by Antoine de Saint\nExup\u00e9ry. Actions performed merely out of a methodology or routine cannot remain\nhidden from the dying, for their consciousness is broader and more intuitive\nthan ours. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

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In training we are\noften told to keep a distance, the so-called professional approach, and we are\ntaught all kinds of methods for this. But are there still people who want this\nkind of caregiving? People today see right through those things. We want to\nmeet a person with a loving, listening ear, in brief, a companion who walks\nwith us on our way. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Martin Buber relates a story of the Hasidic Rabbi of Sasor who, when he saw someone suffer, had such compassion that he made that person\u2019s suffering his own. When he was asked how that is possible, he replied: \u2018What, com-passion? Isn\u2019t that suffering-together-with? How can I do differently than make it my own?\u2019 Dostoevsky speaks in all his works of this com-passion, this suffering-together-with the suffering of the other: \u2018If we experience the brother creature in him, we can do no other.\u2019 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

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If we learn how to deal with our emotions, a mutual\nconnection will grow, and sharing joys and sorrows will bestow life wisdom on\nus. Being a companion does not mean drowning in emotions, but discerning and\naccompanying the deeper layer of grief. Repressing feelings or hiding behind a\nprofessional attitude will lead sooner to burnout than if you face them and\nwork them through. By practising such a professional attitude for a longer time\nyou harm yourself, and this inevitably leads to exhaustion, sometimes only many\nyears later. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Those dying also don\u2019t ask us to pour our wisdom all\nover them. Assisting those dying means a closeness, but also a distance. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

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It\nfrequently happens when you visit someone who has a chronic or terminal illness\nto comfort or help them, that after leaving you feel comforted or helped yourself.\nYou notice then that these people have become so wise and mild in the course of\ntheir illness that they radiate something into the world. The inner struggle\nthat they go through because of the illness is not lost when they die; they\ntake it with them as strength through the gate of death. \u2013 Joop van Dam, physician\n<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Let us make sure that a person in distress is not forced to listen to our grief and worries, so that those who need consolation, often radiating a kind of receptivity, do not in fact have to hear the troubles of someone else. This is a trap that we can also face in daily life; may I burden the other with my feelings that arise at the deathbed?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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It does not mean that there can be no mutual exchange.\nYou participate in the joys and sorrows of the dying person \u2013 a laugh and a\ntear. But what comes up in you needs to be weighed to determine whether it\ncontributes something to the other. Holding back what came up in you is then\nborne with dignity, and you have to look for a way in yourself to work it\nthrough. You put it in a place where it can ripen, until the moment comes when\nit can bear fruit for the future. That is the gift\nof the dying. Not just trouble and pain, but also growth and blossoming.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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In “Approaching Death” experienced therapist and grief counsellor Ren\u00e9e Zeylmans offers spiritual insights, practical information and contemplations and meditations to support the companions of those on their dying journey. Here, we share an extract from the book. From Caregiver to Companion Being a companion of a dying person means that I feel the distress, suffering […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":5148,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[130],"tags":[1049,1056,1055,1057,1058,1050,1051,1054,1052,1053],"class_list":["post-5147","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-holistic-health-2","tag-approaching-death","tag-caregiver","tag-companion","tag-connection","tag-counsellor","tag-death","tag-dying","tag-dying-journey","tag-grief","tag-zeylmans","odd"],"yoast_head":"\nApproaching Death: A Companion's Guide to the End of Life - Floris Books Blog<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"http:\/\/www.florisbooks.co.uk\/blog\/2020\/01\/08\/approaching-death-a-companions-guide-to-the-end-of-life\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Approaching Death: A Companion's Guide to the End of Life - Floris Books Blog\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"In “Approaching Death” experienced therapist and grief counsellor Ren\u00e9e Zeylmans offers spiritual insights, practical information and contemplations and meditations to support the companions of those on their dying journey. 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